This is a trap

So I wanted to preface this post by warning you that this entire post is meaningless. There is no spiritual meaning behind any of the words I write, and for all intensive purposes there is no real reason anyone should take what I have to say seriously.

With that out of the way I can continue with my madness. I have been absent from writing for a while. From a business perspective I have not utilized the capital I spent purchasing this blog. I have no idea why I even decided to purchase a domain in my own name. Maybe this is a way for me to fill the void I have created over the years by relentlessly searching for meaning outside of myself. Maybe this is my path that was determined for me by some cosmic force I will never understand. My favorite one is this was all a narcissistic ploy to cement myself as a digital effigy in this web of significance known as the internet so no one will ever face the true reality that I’m scared to face my own impermanence. I want to become a egotistical millionaire and someday create a chain of restaurant franchises in my own name like Jimmy John did. I wish to construct a temple of mirrors so maybe god will hear me louder when I pray.

I will inevitably have to leave the limbo of deterministic thought though and with it leave this shallow pool of comfort. There comes a moment in every persons life where they have face the reality that no one will ever know if they were good enough to anyone they have loved. We have to have faith and trust that we are good people worthy of love and affection. We have to have faith in ourselves. Faith is the very root of love and it is our pain that gives it meaning. Life needs death and love needs pain.

No one asked to be born. The realities we create are funnels for us to dilute our otherwise chaotic experiences into some tangible logic to help us pretend there is any sort of order, direction, or meaning to our own suffering. Love is a trap.

I have been afraid to write because I am afraid of what I might say. I have nothing to claw onto outside of myself so I can point the finger at someone else whenever I end up neck deep again in my own bullshit. I can no longer shrug my shoulders and create sanctimonious catch phrases like my life was some 90’s sitcom with me as the punchline. Existing in the present is a terrifying experience that I too seldom have the emotional energy to linger in. Existence is a trap.

My favorite thing about spirituality is that it completely destroys the western analytic narratives. The Enlightenment showed us through science, technology, and the dogma of reason we can release our souls from the clutches of the church. We are now free to explore the wonders of self identity and its infinite possibilities. I often think of this while staring at the 25 different brands of deodorant that mockingly stare at me while I am lost in the paralysis of indecision at the supermarket. Reason is a trap.

If I am lucky I will use my privilege that I was born with, combined with enormous amount of effort, to create a portfolio of funds that benefit from the exploited labors of fellow workers so I can create a solid foundation for myself and my family. I can otherwise choose to throw away all of this and face fascism in the face alienating myself from any chance of success I have and hope that I won’t end up a disappointing failure with nothing to show when I can’t provide for my own family. This meat prison I was sentenced to is a trap.

I am not the only one though. We are all trapped. Sometimes these traps are our own design without us even knowing it. I have written more drafts for posts than I have essays in college. Most of them end up as deleted because I am searching for something real. I am searching for something outside of myself because I need to feel like I mean something because I don’t feel like I mean anything to myself. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. I don’t know where I am suppose to go. I am circling the walls of my own mind looking for the door. Is this all that is real?

This blog has no meaning to me because ultimate I have no idea if meaning even exists. I have no idea if even I exist. I wish I could put a tab under my tongue and wake up tomorrow completely disillusioned to my own reality. I hope this blog means something to you. I hope by writing this I have summoned a door for you to escape your own trap even if for only a moment because the hardest traps to escape are the ones we created.